It's a miracle we're alive.
I survived. Despite living
through, witnessing, being part of things that are beyond anything any human
mind should have to hold, any heart should have to bear... somehow.. we
survived.
It's truly remarkable that I'm here, just in this space,
typing these words. I was not meant to
become an adult, I wasn't born to be.. a human.. I was reminded constantly I
was born to be nothing more than useable, a sex toy, distraction, tool... but
never... a person. Yet, here I sit,
typing, writing down the unspeakable, the things meant to be secret forever...
living a life... learning who I am beyond all I was taught... beyond everything
that was "planned" for me...
I am. I did
whatever I had to do.. in each moment to survive, and I did survive, and it
amazes me very single day, that I'm still here, still breathing, still
striving, still loving... despite, well - everything. I'm not dead, I'm not locked up somewhere,
I'm not an abusive person, I chose differently, I broke an abusive cycle that
went back generations.. It stopped with me, it's done.. the reality
changed.. a new pattern, shiny and
bright in it's place.
Each moment I'm here, I win.
Each breath I take, I win.
Each time I choose love, not hate or harm, I win.
Every time I step more fully into the light, I win.
I win, and the abusers, they are dead and gone and they lose
more every damn moment.
I hold this close, tenderly cradle the knowledge that I'm
still here, that I won, in my darkest moments.
Just here, just now, when I'm fighting such a brutal, gut wrenching
battle, when I'm working so, so hard to not resist the memories, even though my
worst fear is so close I feel like I'm going to scream, I remember that I won,
I tug that little treasure out of my pocket and smile softly, tucking it away before picking up my weapons, and
going back into battle. It's the balm that soothes my wounds, the water that slakes my thirst, the light when I'm not able to see for the darkness.. and it makes everything okay, it makes it all worth it, those two little words...
I won.