Miracle

It's a miracle we're alive.   I survived.   Despite living through, witnessing, being part of things that are beyond anything any human mind should have to hold, any heart should have to bear... somehow.. we survived.

It's truly remarkable that I'm here, just in this space, typing these words.   I was not meant to become an adult, I wasn't born to be.. a human.. I was reminded constantly I was born to be nothing more than useable, a sex toy, distraction, tool... but never... a person.    Yet, here I sit, typing, writing down the unspeakable, the things meant to be secret forever... living a life... learning who I am beyond all I was taught... beyond everything that was "planned" for me...

I am.    I did whatever I had to do.. in each moment to survive, and I did survive, and it amazes me very single day, that I'm still here, still breathing, still striving, still loving... despite, well - everything.    I'm not dead, I'm not locked up somewhere, I'm not an abusive person, I chose differently, I broke an abusive cycle that went back generations.. It stopped with me, it's done.. the reality changed..  a new pattern, shiny and bright in it's place.

Each moment I'm here, I win.  

Each breath I take, I win.

Each time I choose love, not hate or harm, I win.

Every time I step more fully into the light, I win.

I win, and the abusers, they are dead and gone and they lose more every damn moment.

I hold this close, tenderly cradle the knowledge that I'm still here, that I won, in my darkest moments.   Just here, just now, when I'm fighting such a brutal, gut wrenching battle, when I'm working so, so hard to not resist the memories, even though my worst fear is so close I feel like I'm going to scream, I remember that I won, I tug that little treasure out of my pocket and smile softly, tucking  it away before picking up my weapons, and going back into battle.   It's the balm that soothes my wounds, the water that slakes my thirst, the light when I'm not able to see for the darkness.. and it makes everything okay, it makes it all worth it, those two little words...

I won.

A letter to my child self....

Little one:

I wish I were there to hold your hand, for you to look into my eyes and know everything will be okay....you are so very brave, even when you feel there is no hope... you go on, you survive.   I want you to know you did nothing wrong,  not ever... you did just what you had to do to go on, to survive.

I want you to know good things are coming.   That the world waits for you, that beyond this horror show of childhood you've had to endure is a beautiful life, just waiting for you to reach it.

Please hear me: you did nothing wrong.   You came into this world a being of light and love, and no amount of darkness and torture could possibly touch that.    They tried, over and over to break you, to break us.... and you never gave up and you never gave in, you will grow up to be a woman still filled with light and love.  They will not win, they didn't win.

When things got dark and seemed impossible you became a tiny warrior, you did everything and anything you could to not lose your love, to not hurt anyone, to keep going.. despite the insanity and cruelty around you.

I need you to know that it's not your fault, that nothing they did was your fault, that you did only what you had to survive.   I know you hold enormous guilt for the things you were forced to do, but you are only a child, too little to fight them... and if you had fought them, you wouldn't have survived... we wouldn't be grown now, we wouldn't be having a life, we wouldn't be having the sweet moments of joy we get glimpses of now.

Sweet girl, I know you think you should have died, that you don't deserve to live, that the others - the ones that didn't survive should be here and not you....but the Universe makes no mistakes, you do deserve to live.. you deserve all good things, and when you grow up you will do your best to help others in every moment, you will love all beings, you will be proof that love and light cannot be killed, that no matter where you come from you can be a light in the world.

I am so grateful to you, for every moment you lived, for every memory you held onto until we were strong enough to work through them....for the years you were strong and steadfast and a warrior and no matter what they did to you, with you..... you did not let them snuff you out, snuff us out, because here we are, and they are dead and gone.   Thank you, for showing me what being a warrior is, what being a survivor is, for giving us the chance to have this beautiful life... I promise we will cherish every sweet moment, that we will finish this sorting of memories, and then we will play.. we will dance and sing, we will run on the beach with the wind in our hair, we will laugh too loud and dance in the rain.... we will play and do all the things we longed for when we were little.

Come, take my hand sweet girl, know your job is done,  you can  rest now, and just be happy to be alive, I will do the hard work now, I will finish the warrior work, and soon we will be free of it all, we will be joyful and savor every moment of this sweet life.

Come little one, take my hand, let me hold you, let me rock you and make you feel safe, the work is mine now, rest, and know I love you.