I've been fighting the urge to shut down, resist, run away
from what comes next in my healing process for a very long time. The door to what comes next looms in front
of me and I feel clearly my body and mind and heart as terror washes over me
and every muscle, every fiber of my being shouts: NO! I've been working hard trying to figure out
how to stop fighting, stop resisting, to let what comes, come. And yet, still I found myself running the
opposite direction.
All along I've known, the only way out is through, but
knowing that and being able to go through are two separate things. The internal terror from years of brain
washing are fierce - flashing red lights, an ear-wrenching alarm sounding and
screams of STOP, GO BACK, RUN, DEATH AHEAD are overwhelming.
Memories are knocking at the door, kinesthetic body memories
sneaking through the cracks, sliding under it, making my body spasm and cramp
and hurt. And still, I've been
resisting.
Perhaps I've been looking at the whole thing in the wrong
way. Could it be it's as simple as
being more compassionate, more tender....having a little mercy for myself and
whatever comes next? Maybe I don't
have to face it all with a fierce "Come and get me!" attitude, but
rather a softening, a gentleness and understanding for it all.
I'm going to cultivate compassion, for myself, for this
healing journey, for the memories to come, for the child I was and for the
woman I will be. It's strange that I
have limitless compassion for all beings on this planet, except....myself. I'm going to tend my inner garden, sowing
seeds of compassion, tenderness, love....selfishly this time, all for me, who I
am, who I was and who I will be.
In the end it seems, it's not about fighting or resisting or
even silent acceptance.... it's about becoming as tender hearted toward myself
as I am toward others. It's about softness and opening up, trusting that as my petals open the sun will be there to help me grow, that the world won't end because I see my history or tell my story. Those fears are old, like old
VHS tapes, and it's time to record over them with a different story. A story of survival, yes, but also a story of
learning to thrive, grow, reach, be free and find joy.
Yes, there is still fear here, but also,
tentatively....hope. The truth is those that hurt me are dead, and those that aren't, well, they can't touch me now. These memories, that damn door to
what comes next, these body memories are asking me to simply be present to what
WAS, not what is, or what will be. I
will honor them, and the strength of who I was to have survived it all.
Today I will begin gardening, kneel in the rich soil of my
heart and begin turning the soil, making it ready for these seeds of
compassion, tenderness, understanding, acceptance and love for myself.
Sometimes the answer we search for with such determination,
is closer than our breath, if we only stop, listen, feel and be present, no
matter how hard it seems.
There is a softness today,
in my body, mind, heart...and this is new and magical. So, today I will whisper softly: "Come,
come out, it's okay, I'm here and able and willing to listen and hear and see,
we are safe now, but I will be your witness and we will be fine, more than
fine, we will be whole."
Thank you for your work, your compassion...for yourself and
others... and for the light you shine on this healing path for me... I am
grateful
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