I remember when I was first diagnosed with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) thinking, "Well, okay, I can handle this, and I won't be one of those people that has it for ten years or the rest of their lives, I'll be "done" soon." I also remember asking my first therapist over and over at every session, "When will I be, like, you know, DONE."
The first month or so was a nightmare, though looking back now I see the humor in it, the absolute chaos of it. I was cold or hot, needed to be inside, no OUTSIDE, crying or laughing, laying down, no sitting UP, and if I misplaced something, my lighter for instance, the panic that would rush over me, Oh My God, WHERE IS MY LIGHTER? Everything was a ten on a scale of one to ten.. there was no middle ground....It was all panic and fear and tears. Flashbacks and horror, the world upside down and inside out.
This year marks ten years, ten years from the moment I had my first flashback, ten years of fighting my way through all the flashbacks, fear, night terrors, panic attacks, kinesthetic body memories and agoraphobia.
This year has been transformative for me, I have conquered the agoraphobia and am no longer bound to my home. I have seen the light, tasted it, felt it run through my finger tips and bathed in it. I have felt pure joy and abandon for the first time in my life.
And, now.. just when I felt my most whole, closer to freedom than I ever have, when I felt nothing on earth could stop me from doing anything I want, that I had won...
The rug beneath me was yanked out again, and I am lost in the sea of PTSD again, flashback, body memory, panic attack, sorrow and grief and yearning to scream out to the Universe: "This is NOT fair, I'm too tired, soul weary, I have fought too hard to be lost again, how strong am I expected to be?"
I am reminded of a quote my therapist shared with me from Mother Theresa:
“I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much.” ~Blessed Mother Teresa
Right? Hey God, Universe, Divine Spirit could you cut me some slack here? Could you NOT trust me so damn much?
Despite feeling impossibly low and exhausted and empty, I went to both my group therapy and regular therapy this week. I went after letting my Therapist know that I was on empty, that I had nothing to give, that I was a mess.
The women in my group amaze me, every single time we meet, I am in awe of their caring, support, unconditional love and acceptance. I am blessed to know each of them, and learn from each of them every time we meet. I learn how to be more whole, I learn that it's okay to simply be, me.
I went to group this week feeling I could not take the next step, I could not deal with this moment, let alone contemplate the next. I went even though I was deep in mourning for the light, and terrified I would never see it again.
This amazing group of women held me safe, both literally and metaphorically. They listened, and held each word I spilled out on the floor safe, without judgement, with compassion and love. I looked in each of their eyes and saw the light reflected back to me, felt the power of unconditional love and acceptance and realized how very blessed I am. I knew in those moments, and even now as i type this, that if I was not strong enough, they would be my strength, if I could not see the light, they would guide me, and that no matter how dark and impossible the next step might feel, they would help me find the way.
Today I feel so Graced, so Blessed. I have my sister who knows my history because it's her history too, who loves me and is a beacon of light on the path ahead. I have a Therapist who understands what I'm going through and always shines a light so I can find my next step, a group of women who I consider sisters who care about me unconditionally and support me on my path. I have my best friend, who knows how hard this work is, who has been there and who loves and supports me in every moment.
I am blessed to still be on this planet, that alone is a Victory. Each step I take is a Victory. Each moment I'm walking this healing path, I win. I will take this next step toward the light, and the next step, and the next and the next and the one after that.
To all of you that are Survivors, I say thank you. Thank you for surviving, thank you for doing the hard work of healing. Thank you for lighting the path ahead for all who may follow. Thank you for being the brave Warrior that you are.
I wish each of you a beautiful and blessed day~
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