The drive alone, along the winding mountain road, the hilltops deep green with fir and pine trees the light coming through the branches painting with shadow and light on the pavement of the road was worth the trip. Here and there Autumn shouted out it's presence in trees still bushy with brightly colored leaves, and just a few leaves dancing on the breeze and swirling down to hit the highway.
There was much laughter along the way, and Bella, my pup was like a small child, so excited to be going, to be in the car and on her way somewhere, anywhere. I felt much the same, to be free of my agoraphobia is such an amazing gift! Everything is new, like I'm seeing it for the first time and I am so filled with a sense of grace, an awareness that I am so lucky to be alive and to be seeing through new eyes.
It's as though I am 43 and 5 and 18 all at once, the sky is more blue, the light more golden and brilliant, the forest a wonder filled with possibilities and I am in awe of it all, and what the next moment or curve in the road may bring.
When we reached the beach at last, and settled our things near a huge piece of driftwood, Bella and I raced for the water's edge. There is something about getting my feet into the ocean about feeling the undertow such at my toes and then the waves crashing against my feet and calves that soothes me like nothing else on the planet. Bella is so well trained now that I was able to let her off leash, and she bounded around me, running with me through the surf, and I saw my own joy and sense of freedom in her big brown eyes and felt tears streaming down my cheeks though I was smiling.
In that moment of her own first real freedom and my own, we were both filled with joy and ran through the surf together, racing and playing, splashing and I found I was both crying and giggling.
I realized in those moments, that every single moment of hard work, every flashback, every body memory, every night terror was worth it. And, more than that, that I wouldn't change a thing about my life for anything in the world because it made me who I am here, today, and I like me... in fact I love the whole, sum total of me.... That is an amazing thing, a miracle.
It's a miracle I Survived, it's a miracle I'm alive, it's a miracle I'm not in a mental institution somewhere, it's a miracle that I can like myself and more, it's a miracle that I can love myself, just as I am.
The trip left me both physically exhausted (it's hard to keep up with a 3 year old pup at 43!) and emotionally renewed. Today I am feeling so graced and so grateful to be alive, and ready to continue the work, all of it. I know now I can finish this healing process, that in fact, nothing will stop me because it can only get better from here, yes.....the hardest of hard work is what's ahead, but I will go through it and come out the other side and into the light, and I will fly, soar and be able then to reach back and help others in their own healing path, which is my dream.
So I leave you with this today, no matter how hard or impossible your healing may feel, no matter how dark and alone you may feel, no matter what.... You CAN do it, you will do it, and you will succeed because you are a Survivor and we Survivors are Warriors, fierce and strong and nothing can stop us.
And when the battle seems it's hardest, there will be days filled with mountains and sunshine and an ocean so huge it can take and hold safely all the pain, tears and fear. There will be moments of such joy it seems too huge to hold and there will be tears and there will be laughter and the realization that, we already won. We won, we Survived.
The joy jumps out of this writing and it's palpable and clean and sweet. I'm so grateful for your experience, and that you shared it with us. <3
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